From ruins comes transformation.

Woah! Where did I go wrong... A week earlier we had been so... perfect. We had the kind of love that people write poems, movies, and books about. We were the couple that everyone wanted to be like. I couldn't get enough of him, and I thought he couldn't get enough of me. Every plan I made for the future included him. He was my plan. He was supposed to be my future. I always told him I could live in a cardboard box with him and never need anything else. I was soooooo in love. How could this freaking happen?

  I remember just laying on my floor crying and feeling like I died. (part of me did) It felt like I couldn't even breathe or that I'd been hit by a never ending train that just kept going && going over my heart with all of  it's boxcars attached to it. A million thoughts raced through my head. Did he ever even love me!? Am I too fat? Is she prettier? Did I not do enough? Was I too much? (probably)........What do I do now? What do I like? I didn't even know who I was without him. From that day on for the next couple of months I tore myself apart.. I broke myself down and tortured myself for every flaw I thought I had.
             I started drinking a lot, I cried almost every day. I read every break up manual they had and I looked up every article I could find on how to get him back. I hung out with my best friends, and they would listen to  me go on for hours. Thank goodness for best friends. I noticed the busier I was the less it hurt, so I stayed busy. I got a new apartment. I got a dog. I started going out. I danced. I started doing yoga. I thought a lot about life. I listened to music. I cried. I stopped reading books about how to get him back and started reading books about how to get me back. I filled my time with things I wanted to do. Things he would never let me do or liked to do. I watched sunrises and sunsets and realized the beauty in both. I went on walks. I went on dates. I learned to cook. I met lots of people. I dyed my hair (a couple times) I bought new clothes. I went to Vegas (twice!). I hung out with my friends more and my family. I did everything I could. I took things one day at a time and eventually the days turned into weeks and the weeks turned into months.I thought about him less and less until eventually I realized it had been weeks since he had even crossed my mind. Now it's been a long time, and I don't even remember what it was like being in love or why I was sad. I always look back to the day I was crying on the floor and  realize how insecure and unsure of myself I was. I didn't even know me.  I realize now that I found something worth losing him over... I found myself. Now I know what I like. Now I know what I want to do. I realized when everything falls apart it may be very hard to handle, but it also makes room to rebuild something new, something beautiful, and something stronger then what was there before." From ruins comes transformation."
.( -quote from the book Eat.pray.love)

Part of The Secret that rocked my world.

I was sitting in my psychology class just staring at my notebook my mind wasn't blank it was actually over flowing. We had just finished watching a movie about The Secret. The movie is basically talking about the law of attraction and the power we have over our lives. Our thoughts positive or negative shape our world. Many people have heard the saying "when it rains, it pours." basically saying when something goes wrong it seems like everything goes wrong. Unhappiness attracts unhappy things, Positive thinking attracts more positive things :) and so on. I had heard it all before, but it was the assignment that we were  given that rocked my world, and in a way changed my whole life. The professor explained that to be able to attract things into our lives we had to first know what we wanted.  He said he wanted us to write down everything we wanted. Where do I even start?.....


At the time I was living with my boyfriend, my parents had cut me off, and although he took amazing care of me  I myself personally had nothing...


I started writing things down, I started with little things. Things I wanted that day, (an iced coffee, tacos for dinner, a bubble bath, etc..) and I just kept going.. I kept thinking of bigger things. ( I want to work at a beautiful salon, I want to go to vegas for my birthday.) and I kept going I wrote things I would probably never be able to have due to my circumstances in life ( I want to dance for v2, I want a car, I want my own place, I want a dog, I want a boob job, I want to change the world, I want to have my own clothing line, I want blonde hair, etc.) My list was 7 pages long... single spaced.


After I had finished writing my list the professor had everyone close their eyes and asked us to Imagine having everything we had written down. What it would feel like. What it would taste like. What it would smell like. What it looked like. Everything about it. I laid my head down on my desk and let my mind go crazy. I imagined what the coffee would taste like, how the bubble bath would feel, what my hair would look like, how it would feel driving my car, dancing on stage in front of thousands of people at the best parties. I loved that exercise so much, that I decided whether this "Secret" business worked or not I would start doing it all the time.. I left class that day not really knowing how much The Secret would effect my life, but it has changed everything.


After school that day my boyfriend and I went to Starbucks to get iced coffees. :)  ... A year later I had almost everything I had written down on my list.( I had my own car paid off, I got a boob job, I had just started dancing for v2, I had a new apartment, I had gotten a dog, I came up with an idea for a clothing line, my hair was platinum.) All of these things happened in different ways, but they did happen and are happening still. I now keep notebooks in my car, in my room, at my work, and in my purse. I have lists and lists of things I want. Whether you think it will work or not I would  suggest giving this a try. Try writing down what you want most in life and then imagining you have it already... you will be shocked how powerful a positive thought can be.

The roof.

why the freak not...

A radom list of facts... an introduction of sorts.. possibly a warning!

 I'm young && old at the same time. 

I'm caring && thoughtful, careful && careless. 

I am hardworking && determined.

 I wish on stars && dream my dreams.

Not only do I believe in god, but I feel we are superly amazing good friends.

 I love everyone to some extent and others beyond any extent. ♥ 

 I am everything && nothing at all. I don't think I am better then anyone, but I also don't think there is anyone better then me. 

I believe in the power of laughing... 

I will never cheat on anyone.....again.

I know the value of my body and nothing and no one on earth could ever buy it with ANYTHING but love.. .. #priceless. 

I know I have a soul mate (Somewhere)

Gemini=I have a split personality- one of us is a really good person, the other one is a little out of control- None of us are boring. ;)

.

I talk to my dog (hip hop), and god on a regular basis 

^ I'm sure they both think I'm nuts, but seem to love me anyways^. 

I've loved and I've lost.

I am shy. 

I have learned to be creative,

I am still learning.....about everything.

I am not the leadership type.

 I am not the followship type.

I don't open up to people easily.

 I have never stopped loving ANY of the people I have opened up to.

I am who I am and what I am, because of god and or the people I know and have known.  

I am ridiculously, insanely, unstoppably,  Happy :)

The world is a stage.

 ♥ My life is not always easy, and sometimes god gives me music that I don't understand.... but while I'm here I'm going to dance with all of the talent(s) I've been given. I will never sit it out, I will never give up, even if I have nothing else, even if I'm dancing all alone. If I ever see someone else fall I will try never to judge and the only time I will look down on them is if I am giving them a hand to help them up. . I will live this life to the absolute fullest, I will put my whole heart into it, I will give it everything, and then I will give it more..... because, no one can take this life and live it the way I can. No one can Dance to my song like me. I understand that no one knows or can hear what kind of music I've been given so people may not understand  or like my movements. People may be condescending, hateful, negative and mean. They may even make fun of or be ashamed of me... I will dance anyway..  I was meant for this and the only person that can decide how exciting, amazing, influential, or incredible my life's performance is ....IS ME!!  ♥

  - Tilly

I will live in or visit this place someday.

Running Late...

How did you meet?- This is my favorite question

 to ask any and all of my clients that are, or have been in relationships. I like it because the stories are always different and some are totally crazy. It just proves that love can strike anytime, anywhere, and usually in a way you never would expect. 

My favorite story is about a girl at my work that met her husband

ON THE FREEWAY!!

Just driving home from work one day, and they saw each other. She missed her exit to drive by him longer. He waved for her to pull over, and the rest is history.  I think this story is so rad  not only because, the freeway is a crazy place to meet, but because the life she lives now depended on what happened that day down the the second.

 If she had left work five minutes later. 

If he hadn't been running errands. 

If she hadn't ran a yellow light, if he had been driving faster,

 if she hadn't looked over, if he hadn't looked back, 

If she had gotten off on her exit.

They would have never known each other. 

Her whole entire life would be different. I don't know why, but I love thinking about that story. Every time I'm stuck in traffic now, something happens that causes me to run late, (or to run early...rare!!).. I try not to get frustrated. Sometimes I even smile inside and wonder what the universe could possibly be  up to . :)  

Maybe I (we) are overly confident.

Recently there was a very negative post about me and my friends, for the most part it hurt really bad to read all of the stuff. After taking a deep breath and counting to ten I tried to come to a conclusion as to why they would say that stuff. Whenever I am hurt, or mad I try to put  myself in the other person's shoes.(more on this later) I decided that to some people we probably do come off as stuck up, conceited, or overly confident. The reason is this. WE ARE, but it's only because we would never be able to do what we do and keep dancing and living our dreams if we weren't. Never in my life have I had so many people hate on, tear down, and judge me by something I love to do. Every time we get a mean message. Every time someone calls us fat. Every time someone spreads some silly rumor about us. Every time someone says we can't dance. Every time someone hates us that we don't even know. WE have to build our own selves back up. We have to say no, I'm not those things and get back up on the stage. We have to look in the mirror every morning and tell ourselves that we are pretty, that we are not fat elephants, and that we are not the worst people on the planet. In my case it is not because I think I am better then anybody, or that I am the world's greatest dancer,  but it's because I think I  am good enough to do what I do. I am not using this as an excuse for any of my friends being rude or stuck up, but just as more of an insight to why we may come across the way we do. Weather people see it or not we deal with a lot of negative criticism sometimes it's hard to respond in a loving way, I for one am still trying to work on that. At the end of the day I am probably way too overly confident, but I'd rather believe in and love myself too much then to little.

because the people crazy enough to think they can change the world.. are the ones that do

Money decides how much stuff you have. You decided how happy you are.

My first thought when I saw this picture was 
HaPPInESS <3 

No matter how much money I will make in life I hope I am always able 

to be happy some where like this. I hope I never get caught up 

in who's wearing what, who's driving that, or what someone's annual income is 

in determining their worth as a person or the amount of respect I show them

. I have personally known, dated, seen, and dealt with people that have a lot of money,

 and it's interesting to see the difference.

 Some you wouldn't know had any money, some won't let you forget how much they have.

Some seemed absolutely miserable, and some seem incredibly happy. 

On the other extreme of the scale I have seen people with little, also be extremely happy

as well as absolutely miserable. 

In either case I think it comes down to two things, realizing that the best things in life

aren't things, and that happiness is a choice in any situation. 

I hope I always chose happiness, and that I am always able to enjoy the little things

even if I am blessed to have big things. 

ps. When given the choice between a mansion and a trailer like this. I'd still probably pick this trailer. Ever since I've seen it's been a symbol of happiness for me, and a reminder that it's not about having everything. I love it. 

I'm still Rilly.

For anyone that knows me I am not a natural looking person. I have fake boobs, bleached blonde hair, a variety of extensions, a fake tan, and I use way too much makeup, but I LOVE IT. I get a lot of interesting emails or  hear comments about that making me a fake person. I appreciate hearing everyone's opinion and their point of view, because in some cases it has changed mine. On this particular subject my point of view will not change everrr. I compare my body to a house that my soul is living in. I don't see the problem in fixing it up, painting it, or making changes to it that I feel make it look more beautiful ,or fit my personality better. All of us are given the basic frame. I am not ok with just a basic frame. I don't look at my basic frame and see me. I look at my bleached blonde hair and crazy eyeshadow and see me. My house is still the same house as it was before I made any changes, I just think it looks better and fits my personality better.  To each their own. I personally don't feel any less real.

.... And so she danced.

The eternal bathroom..

Dancing is the reason I became Tilly.  Mom had heart problems growing up and Dad and I have never been close.  I didn't really have anyone to  talk to so any emotion I had  I let out through dancing. I had a bathroom that had two huge mirrors on both sides I called it the eternal bathroom, because when you look in one mirror you see the other and it goes foreverrrr. I would turn on my headphones and dance in it for hours. When my grandma died I danced to songs that reminded me of her. When I made cheer leading, when I was grounded for bad grades, when my boyfriend dumped me, when my mom would lecture me, when my dad would yell at me, when I lettered in art, when my painting won the art contest. Whenever I felt an emotion and didn't have,or couldn't share it with anyone - I danced. Dancing so much helped me develop my own style and since I put all of my emotion into it  I got pretty good. People noticed and would compliment me on it. The first time I ever felt special or admired was when I was dancing. Dancing gave me the confidence to be in front of crowds, and people. It is the one thing I can always feel comfortable doing no matter where I am or who is around. If you are having a bad day or going through a rough spot. I always suggest doing something your really good at. Weather it is sports, or playing music, or drawing, or math problems, or cooking, let that be your outlet. Not only did it make me feel better, but it helped me take out my problems and emotions in a positive way instead of turning to drinking or drugs. Also putting all your emotion into anything will help you excel at that, and for me it's shaped my life and created opportunities I could never have imagined....

My dreams we're too big.

I have always been different and somewhat odd. While some girls were playing with barbies, and talking about boys I was busy remodeling my parents old shed into a secret layer, or trying to sew clothes for my dog that would make her look stylin'. Totally weird. Needless to say I was never the popular girl growing up. This was hard for me because at the time that is all I wanted. I would just watch all of the popular girls and wish they would talk to me. They always had the most beautiful clothes and all of the boys were always talking to them. They were always talking about the high school parties they would get invited to. They were basically my hero's and I wanted to be just like them. I'd sit out on my lawn at night (usually on the weekends, because no one invited me to do anything) and make wish after wish on all of the stars. I'd just think please, please, please make me prettier, and give me more beautiful clothes. Please help boys to like me and let me get invited to all of the cool parties they are always talking about. Little did I know then, that all of those girls that were getting invited to those parties in junior high were also getting offered cigarettes, alcohol, drugs and being pressured into having sex. By the time we graduated all of my former hero's were addicted to drugs, many dropped out of school, and half of those girls were pregnant. The rest of the pretty girls got engaged or married shortly after high school and still live in Vernal with two or three kids. I don't judge them or think they are wrong or unhappy, but I also thank god every single day that I was not popular in junior high. My life has and will take me far from that place. My dreams are too big for that town.