Blue isn't my color

I was walking around good old Walmart the other day and I couldn't help but notice the people working there. I started thinking to myself (how did  this become their life?) How did they end up doing the monotonous job of scanning item after item, day after day. When these people walking around in their blue vests were little I doubt they got up in class and said "I want to be a Walmart cashier when I grow up." (stylish as the blue vests may be) I don't think anyone wants to aspire to that.  What happened to that childhood dream? What happened to being a doctor, or being an astronaut, or a famous cook on a cooking show? I can't see these people having a real passion for price checks. I wonder what stopped them? I decided right then and there that would never be my life. I have to follow my dreams. I have to be a fashion designer, an artist, the best hairstylist, a dancer, own several companies, and change the whole world. I don't care how long it takes. I don't care how hard it gets. I don't care who says I can't, or what obstacles come my way. I will always follow that dream. I will never settle for less. I will never be content in one of those blue vests, and even if life brings me to that I will never stop trying or striving for more.

The day you lose sight of your dreams and passion is the day you cease to really live. 

I could go left..... or I could go right...

I've been here  million times..... we all have.

The only thing different about this time, for me, is usually I know where I am going, but this time  I have no plan.

 If I go right I stay young. I have crazy wild times. I run away and I buy my trailer of joy and I own my own motorcycle and I see the world. I stay young. I live life to absolute fullest and experience it. I leave my friends and my family, but I meet new people.  I become a modern day gypsy- I wander, and I wing it, and I never know for sure where I'll be next or what I'll have for dinner, or if I'll even be able to afford dinner. I hold onto my youth as long as possible. I'd be taking huge risks and all I could do is hope that everything worked out. If I go right I stay wild and crazy, but in the end I may end up lonely.

If I go left I end up in a different place. I stay where I am and I build my career. I stay with what I know is safe and with the people I love. I probably would end up getting married and starting a family. Everything would be stable, and predictable, but I would have love and always have someone there for me. I'd always have someone to hold at night and arms to keep me warm. If I go left I'd have stability, but I could never settle for an average life. 

I don't know when I will have to decide, but the time is coming. Whichever

way I go will take me far from this place I am now. I maybe look too far into this, but whenever I think about my life right now, and all of the actual intersections I have come to while driving, I always wonder where I would be if I had gone a different direction then the one I chose. Where would I be? Who would I be? I guess the only way to chose which way is best is to pick one and start heading down it........ but which should I chose. Maybe it's time to grow up, but then again this is the only time I have to be young. 

From ruins comes transformation.

Woah! Where did I go wrong... A week earlier we had been so... perfect. We had the kind of love that people write poems, movies, and books about. We were the couple that everyone wanted to be like. I couldn't get enough of him, and I thought he couldn't get enough of me. Every plan I made for the future included him. He was my plan. He was supposed to be my future. I always told him I could live in a cardboard box with him and never need anything else. I was soooooo in love. How could this freaking happen?

  I remember just laying on my floor crying and feeling like I died. (part of me did) It felt like I couldn't even breathe or that I'd been hit by a never ending train that just kept going && going over my heart with all of  it's boxcars attached to it. A million thoughts raced through my head. Did he ever even love me!? Am I too fat? Is she prettier? Did I not do enough? Was I too much? (probably)........What do I do now? What do I like? I didn't even know who I was without him. From that day on for the next couple of months I tore myself apart.. I broke myself down and tortured myself for every flaw I thought I had.
             I started drinking a lot, I cried almost every day. I read every break up manual they had and I looked up every article I could find on how to get him back. I hung out with my best friends, and they would listen to  me go on for hours. Thank goodness for best friends. I noticed the busier I was the less it hurt, so I stayed busy. I got a new apartment. I got a dog. I started going out. I danced. I started doing yoga. I thought a lot about life. I listened to music. I cried. I stopped reading books about how to get him back and started reading books about how to get me back. I filled my time with things I wanted to do. Things he would never let me do or liked to do. I watched sunrises and sunsets and realized the beauty in both. I went on walks. I went on dates. I learned to cook. I met lots of people. I dyed my hair (a couple times) I bought new clothes. I went to Vegas (twice!). I hung out with my friends more and my family. I did everything I could. I took things one day at a time and eventually the days turned into weeks and the weeks turned into months.I thought about him less and less until eventually I realized it had been weeks since he had even crossed my mind. Now it's been a long time, and I don't even remember what it was like being in love or why I was sad. I always look back to the day I was crying on the floor and  realize how insecure and unsure of myself I was. I didn't even know me.  I realize now that I found something worth losing him over... I found myself. Now I know what I like. Now I know what I want to do. I realized when everything falls apart it may be very hard to handle, but it also makes room to rebuild something new, something beautiful, and something stronger then what was there before." From ruins comes transformation."
.( -quote from the book Eat.pray.love)

Part of The Secret that rocked my world.

I was sitting in my psychology class just staring at my notebook my mind wasn't blank it was actually over flowing. We had just finished watching a movie about The Secret. The movie is basically talking about the law of attraction and the power we have over our lives. Our thoughts positive or negative shape our world. Many people have heard the saying "when it rains, it pours." basically saying when something goes wrong it seems like everything goes wrong. Unhappiness attracts unhappy things, Positive thinking attracts more positive things :) and so on. I had heard it all before, but it was the assignment that we were  given that rocked my world, and in a way changed my whole life. The professor explained that to be able to attract things into our lives we had to first know what we wanted.  He said he wanted us to write down everything we wanted. Where do I even start?.....


At the time I was living with my boyfriend, my parents had cut me off, and although he took amazing care of me  I myself personally had nothing...


I started writing things down, I started with little things. Things I wanted that day, (an iced coffee, tacos for dinner, a bubble bath, etc..) and I just kept going.. I kept thinking of bigger things. ( I want to work at a beautiful salon, I want to go to vegas for my birthday.) and I kept going I wrote things I would probably never be able to have due to my circumstances in life ( I want to dance for v2, I want a car, I want my own place, I want a dog, I want a boob job, I want to change the world, I want to have my own clothing line, I want blonde hair, etc.) My list was 7 pages long... single spaced.


After I had finished writing my list the professor had everyone close their eyes and asked us to Imagine having everything we had written down. What it would feel like. What it would taste like. What it would smell like. What it looked like. Everything about it. I laid my head down on my desk and let my mind go crazy. I imagined what the coffee would taste like, how the bubble bath would feel, what my hair would look like, how it would feel driving my car, dancing on stage in front of thousands of people at the best parties. I loved that exercise so much, that I decided whether this "Secret" business worked or not I would start doing it all the time.. I left class that day not really knowing how much The Secret would effect my life, but it has changed everything.


After school that day my boyfriend and I went to Starbucks to get iced coffees. :)  ... A year later I had almost everything I had written down on my list.( I had my own car paid off, I got a boob job, I had just started dancing for v2, I had a new apartment, I had gotten a dog, I came up with an idea for a clothing line, my hair was platinum.) All of these things happened in different ways, but they did happen and are happening still. I now keep notebooks in my car, in my room, at my work, and in my purse. I have lists and lists of things I want. Whether you think it will work or not I would  suggest giving this a try. Try writing down what you want most in life and then imagining you have it already... you will be shocked how powerful a positive thought can be.

The roof.

why the freak not...

A radom list of facts... an introduction of sorts.. possibly a warning!

 I'm young && old at the same time. 

I'm caring && thoughtful, careful && careless. 

I am hardworking && determined.

 I wish on stars && dream my dreams.

Not only do I believe in god, but I feel we are superly amazing good friends.

 I love everyone to some extent and others beyond any extent. ♥ 

 I am everything && nothing at all. I don't think I am better then anyone, but I also don't think there is anyone better then me. 

I believe in the power of laughing... 

I will never cheat on anyone.....again.

I know the value of my body and nothing and no one on earth could ever buy it with ANYTHING but love.. .. #priceless. 

I know I have a soul mate (Somewhere)

Gemini=I have a split personality- one of us is a really good person, the other one is a little out of control- None of us are boring. ;)

.

I talk to my dog (hip hop), and god on a regular basis 

^ I'm sure they both think I'm nuts, but seem to love me anyways^. 

I've loved and I've lost.

I am shy. 

I have learned to be creative,

I am still learning.....about everything.

I am not the leadership type.

 I am not the followship type.

I don't open up to people easily.

 I have never stopped loving ANY of the people I have opened up to.

I am who I am and what I am, because of god and or the people I know and have known.  

I am ridiculously, insanely, unstoppably,  Happy :)